In all of the years that I have been on this path, (pretty much my entire life, although people who knew me in high school may disagree!) -the one question that has always tormented me was- “what happens when you commit suicide? Where do you go?”
I’ve always felt very secure in my faith in the afterlife. But for some reason, there seemed to be some gray area when it came to suicide. I have never believed in hell so that was not the issue. I did however worry about this place called “limbo” or “the left door”. I once watched this independent movie, “Wristcutters”, a dark comedy about people that commit suicide and spend the rest of their “days” so to speak doing exactly what they were doing when they decided to commit suicide to begin with. It’s more uplifting than that, a love story, but I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. But- this movie reminded me of something I was told a long time ago- and that was- people that commit suicide spend the rest of their life in a place called limbo- meaning that they spend their time(which felt like an eternity) reliving whatever experiences that made them want to take their own life until the actual time comes(in the living world) that they would have ordinarily died if they hadn’t forsaken their life contract. But if time doesn’t exist, then that’s all bullshit. Right?
I now realize that my teachers in their infinite wisdom were also tormented by this question. If you look at Life as a sequence of sacred contracts and if you break that contract, is there a punishment?- or is breaking that contract part of the contract? And if breaking your Life’s contract is suicide, what is the difference in actually dying and just not living. Does suicide have to mean leaving this dimension? And if the dividing factor between dimensions is merely a difference in vibratory measurement, wouldn’t purposely (consciously or subconsciously) lowering your vibration be a form of suicide?
Why does one have to be dead to say that they have committed suicide? Wouldn’t living a life frozen and riddled by fear be a form of suicide? Wouldn’t be cutting yourself off from the inherent love, abundance and will of God be a form of suicide? You may not be dead, but you’re definitely not living. You’re the living dead. I now understand our society’s obsession with zombies and vampires. I love though how the two living attributes these living dead still hold onto is hunger and horniness. Sex and food. The need to penetrate or be penetrated. Life force.
Sex and drugs and rock & roll…..followed by munchies and sleep. Do zombies sleep?
Please do not think I am being callous by using words like vibration and dimension. Anyone familiar with metaphysics, prayer, meditation, spirituality and the like will know that these words are rooted in divinity. When we are in a state of happiness, love & passion, our vibrations rises. When we are ALIVE, our vibration rises and we are also able to peak into other dimensions, other realms at that same and/or similar vibratory rate. However the opposite is true as well. The lower we let our vibration get, the less ALIVE we feel we are and we get peaks into other dimensions, other realms that match that lower vibratory state.
I have spent years struggling with self sabotage because I was afraid to LIVE my Life the way I felt called. I spent years afraid of my own light, depending on alcohol for liquid courage only to end up making a complete full out of myself. I spent years apologizing for things that were not my fault, things that were my fault and things that would eventually become my fault. I became my own worst enemy and after a while, my apologies sounded like a broken record. Some of you that may be reading have heard this record first hand. Countless nights I would cry to God asking what I am supposed to do. I already knew what I wanted to do. It was just a matter of actually doing it. I felt as if my prayers were not being heard, let alone answered. And I was so conflicted as to why I would fight to the death for someone else, but not even raise a fist to defend myself?
God is not a sadist. Our Life is not something that happens to us. I would not have these passions and interests if I wasn’t supposed to do something with them. None of us would. And I realized that all of those nights I couldn’t sleep, tossing & turning was for a reason. It was me clearing out the clutter in my mind so that I would actually get to a vibrational state to be able to hear & feel Spirits response to my prayers.
What keeps you up at night? What prayers do you have that you feel have gone unheard? What material substance or vice do you depend on to have a spiritual experience?-or just to get through the day?
I was 10 years old when my brother, Danny, committed suicide. Many of us have lost family,friends and acquaintances to their own hand. Disparateness, depression, drugs, etc.. If I am to be honest, the same fate has crossed my own mind in years past. BUT- But- I knew on some level that I was NOT alone and even if no one seemed to understand what I was going through, I knew on some level that GOD DID. God spoke to me through music. Songs like FOLLOW by Richie Havens and FADE TO BLACK by Metallica, The Smiths and Sarah Mclachlan, Jim Croce- they saved me. There are many more, but those are the ones that stick with me always. And the songs that I still revisit when I need some soul coaching that only my kind of rock & roll can do- ya know what I mean! I love to sing. Belting it out seems to cleanse me in a way that only Me and God speak. I am sure you have your own language with God. What is it? Guitar? Art? Cooking? Storytelling? ???????
I didn’t know my brother that well. He taught me how to blow bubbles with my bubble-gum and he liked Slayer and Guns & Roses. He used to to tell me that if any boy ever broke my heart then he would kick their ass. It didn’t mean much to me at the time, I was only 7,8,9,10 during that time. I didn’t have much interest in boys yet. But now as a mother and I see my own son with our niece, Beverly, and she has become a daughter to me and a sister to Kevin- Maybe it meant something to Danny to have a little sister. Me. My eyes are filling with tears as I finish this entry. I wonder what his dreams were. I wonder if anyone even ever asked him. I wonder if me even asking is helping him get out of “limbo” and bringing him HOME. If we are all connected, then so is he. So is everyone. Maybe all we need is an honest friendly thought, a prayer of some sort to help bring all of us out of whatever type of “limbo” we find ourselves.
OK. Everyone repeat after me: I want to LIVE. I deserve to LIVE. I allow myself to LIVE. I will not let fear hold me back from LIVING. The world is a better place because I AM in it. My talents, dreams and desires exist for a reason. They are my offerings to the world as I leave my own imprint and inspire others to do the same. I am grateful for every day. For it allows me the free will to decide if I will take the moment at hand and either celebrate or forgive. I choose to be the ME I WAS BORN TO BE. And so it is. Amen.