spiritual awakening

Rainbow in the Rough: A Lesson in Tough Love

It is my personal belief that we incarnate into situations and themes that are geared to introduce us to the parts of ourselves that do not yet know & trust God. Life does not happen to us.  Life happens because of us. Action combined with Divine intuition has the power to create anything.

When I was a little girl I felt very “in tune” with this Divine intuition.  Many children do. However this intuitive connection often goes un-nurtured.  As mine did.  Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me.  But with most parents, they were too busy with work, my siblings and the day to day hustle and bustle of life.

I have always been fascinated with the mystical world of energy and metaphysics because I was starving for explanations for the feelings I had as a child and the colorful displays that would dance before my eyes that no one else seemed to be aware of.  I felt alone. But when these colors, these sparkles of energy would visit me, I felt safe.  I felt love. Fascinating conversations I would have with my “self” and before I knew it, my “self” was talking back to me.  I would later come to realize that these colors, these sparkles were my angels, my guides and they were keeping me “in-tune” with my higher self, with God.  By the time I reached my pre-teens these brilliant displays of Divine Light gradually stopped. OR I just quit listening.  I was so turned off by organized religion and I had no other spiritual avenue to explore for answers to what I was experiencing.  Science provided logical explanations and so I began to dismiss the whole thing claiming that it was just tricks of the eye.  I felt alone and misunderstood.  My mainly I felt tricked by God.

Depression and teenage angst soon got the best of me. Trying to reconnect with what I felt as a child, I turned to drugs.  My grades plummeted and it’s a wonder I even graduated high school. But I didn’t care. Well really I did. But you know how our defense mechanisms can fool us.  Especially in our wonder years.  I felt that what I was learning on my “trips” was teaching me so much more that what I could ever learn in school.  A large part of me respected LSD because it seemed to be providing me with validation to what  I was already seeing and knew to be true while simultaneously giving me the confidence to explore this otherworldly state and not give a shit what anyone else thought of me.

This otherworldly state felt more like home to me than regular waking life. That is until a very close friend pointed out to me that one of my greatest talents was my ability to be a good friend and that the one person I was not being a good friend to was myself.  I was looking for a spiritual  connection with material substances.  I wasn’t craving the high that comes from drugs.  I was craving the high that comes from Self Love and Acceptance. I was craving the love of God.

My new book, The Living Rainbow, began as a short story I wrote for my son.  He reminds me of myself as a child.  He is extremely sensitive, empathetic, and has the ability to see energy, colors.  He automatically referred to these colors as the angels.  It was always my intention to raise him with the understanding of metaphysics but when he actually used the word angel, there was a visceral response within my body. I have come to recognize such responses as Spirit’s way of saying “Listen Up. This is important”!

My son goes to a private Christian school.  I don’t always agree with the doctrine but I do love the fact that they incorporate God into everything.  One day he was very upset when he got home from school.  He resisted telling me why at first.  Later on that evening he said “Mommy. They told me that I am not allowed to love anyone or anything more than God. But I love you and daddy.”  Tears rolled down his little 5 year old cheeks.  I hugged him and said “Sweetie. God lives in our hearts. Everyones heart. Not just some people, but Everyone. And if God lives within our  hearts, then guess what?  The more you are loving them, the more you are loving God. So you just go ahead and love anyone and anything as much as you want.”  This gave him so much comfort and relief.

What the fuck! 

As a bodyworker, I am very familiar with how our body energetically & vibrationally holds onto every experience we have; conscious and subconscious.  You can imagine the negative energetic response that would occur within our physical body if we experience the un-allowance of letting our love flow freely to the people and things that we most deeply want to share it with.  Sadly in many instances the main person we hold back from freely loving is ourself:  The I AM.  God is within us. God is us!  God is not separate from us. God is not some cosmic peeping tom that wants to be worshipped.

Again. What the fuck!

I know that the teenage years are filled with exploration and experimentation. But I definitely do not want my child to “experiment” the way I did. I  mean- I’m lucky to be alive!  But I want him to find himself in whatever pathway he chooses.  But maybe we don’t have to “find” ourselves if we never “lose” ourselves.   So I wrote this book.  I wanted to provide parents with a tool to help empower their kids and themselves with the survival skill of Divine Self Love.   I thought it would be great to write a book about our chakras, our emotional centers, and begin to introduce these metaphysical concepts while he was still so young.

I actually never intended for The Living Rainbow to rhyme.  But Spirit did.  The fact that it does rhyme is Divine confirmation that I was never alone during those bewildering teenage years. I was never alone even when I was hating God. You see, God has always been there; within me. Never judging, always loving.   When I was fifteen, I wrote a poem for my English class.  I admit the poem was pretty out there, but I was proud of it.  I even volunteered to read it aloud.  My teacher laughed at me and said that it sounded like I had been to one too many Grateful Dead shows. I was humiliated and I never wrote poetry again. That is until now.

There is a Divine Unity among all walks of Life. This book is how I have personally reconciled my own tug of war of loving who I AM and shining my light in the way I feel called.  Science brought me back to God.  Buddha taught me how to love and accept Jesus. There is no wrong way to experience the love of God.

God’s love is the living water and our chakra system is our living rainbow; How our Light shines through the Water is a reflection on how much we love who we are.

Everything that I have ever experienced in Life has brought me to and will continue to bring me to  what I AM “now”.  Living in the moment is challenging. However when I AM able to be in the “now” magic happens!  Every instant is divinely ordained and working out for  our greatest good.  The challenge is recognizing the lessons for the Love that they really are.  Our seeming disappointments are actually blessing in disguise.

I now know that God did not trick me.  God just happens to know what a stubborn ass  I AM and that this wild journey of self discovery would lead me back to His loving Grace, to my authentic self. It’s a practice and I am always learning. But now I know more of who I AM and to know thyself is to know God.

Although The Living Rainbow is geared towards children, adults love it too.  If we can teach our kids how to stay in-tune and listen to their heart, follow intuition and pay attention how how they are feeling, I believe we can change the face of medicine as we know it.

I am excited to announce The Living Rainbow was featured at the Hay House I Can Do It Conference in Baltimore last June!

What a long, strange trip it’s been!

And so it is.

If you are interested in purchasing The Living Rainbow, you can buy it at

A Course In Miracles, body, chakra, mind, spirit, spiritual awakening

Somewhere Over The Living Rainbow is Love

“You can discover more about a person in one hour of play than a year of conversation.”-Plato

an excerpt from my new book, The Living Rainbowbook pic

– I have always believed in the goodness of people. Or should I say I have always wanted to believe in the goodness of people. However the world can be a cruel dark place and forces many of us to grow up fast; sometimes too fast. Our survival instincts kick in and before we know it, we are convinced that if we don’t take care of ourselves then no one else will.  Our faith along with our inherent wisdom of what we really are, the I AM, gets lost in the tug of war in search for something to believe in.

Do we create our own reality or do we let go and let God?

That answer became clear to me one day when my son and I were playing. Kevin was five years old at the time. He and I were playing a good old fashioned game of good guy versus bad guy, Super Mario style.  Typical scenarios were being played out and everything appeared to be going according to plan. The good guys were winning and they were about to punish Bowser and his minions. Then all of sudden Kevin says “Mommy, Wait! We shouldn’t punish them.”  He was adamant and I was confused. Was I not playing right? I mean I have to admit, as much as I love my son, at times these games can become quite tiresome.  But I felt that I was doing a pretty good job keeping my enthusiasm up while faking whatever knowledge I had of combat and video games. “Why not?” I asked with a strange combination of bruised ego and holy curiosity. “Because Mommy-what if the reason they are bad guys is because they were never taught how to be nice. We can teach them!”  

His eyes glittered. They didn’t just glitter. They radiated. There was a brilliancy about what he had just said that was tangible and I could literally feel his message with my entire being. In an instant I could see with my mind’s eye a flash of everyone I have ever felt was a “bad guy” in my own life. And in that moment I realized that maybe they were just never taught how to be nice. And maybe, just maybe the fact that they were never taught how to be nice was also part of the divine plan.

“It is up to us to see the love that lay behind their eyes.”i am love rainbow

Children see this love. It is as natural for them as breathing. God’s love is the living water and our chakras system is the living rainbow. This union ignites our body into a divine living prism for God’s Light to shine on earth.  Writing this book, The Living Rainbow is how I personally have reconciled my own tug of war of loving who I AM and shining my Light in the way I feel called to do so. I dedicate this book to my son, Kevin, and to all of God’s Children. May we all remember how to look at Life with the innocence of a child.

I once was lost

But now I’m found

Was blind, but now I see.

-Amazing Grace

To order your copy of The Living Rainbow & to check out new blog site go to


A Course In Miracles, chakra, mind, body, spirit, spiritual awakening, suicide

suicidal tendencies

In all of the years that I have been on this path, (pretty much my entire life, although people who knew me in high school may disagree!) -the one question that has always tormented me was- “what happens when you commit suicide? Where do you go?”

I’ve always felt very secure in my faith in the afterlife. But for some reason, there seemed to be some gray area when it came to suicide. I have never believed in hell so that was not the issue. I did however worry about this place called “limbo” or “the left door”. I once watched this independent movie, “Wristcutters”, a dark comedy about people that commit suicide and spend the rest of their “days” so to speak doing exactly what they were doing when they decided to commit suicide to begin with. It’s more uplifting than that, a love story, but I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. But- this movie reminded me of something I was told a long time ago- and that was- people that commit suicide spend the rest of their life in a place called limbo- meaning that they spend their time(which felt like an eternity) reliving whatever experiences that made them want to take their own life until the actual time comes(in the living world) that they would have ordinarily died if they hadn’t forsaken their life contract. But if time doesn’t exist, then that’s all bullshit. Right?

I now realize that my teachers in their infinite wisdom were also tormented by this question. If you look at Life as a sequence of sacred contracts and if you break that contract, is there a punishment?- or is breaking that contract part of the contract? And if breaking your Life’s contract is suicide, what is the difference in actually dying and just not living. Does suicide have to mean leaving this dimension? And if the dividing factor between dimensions is merely a difference in vibratory measurement, wouldn’t purposely (consciously or subconsciously) lowering your vibration be a form of suicide?

Why does one have to be dead to say that they have committed suicide? Wouldn’t living a life frozen and riddled by fear be a form of suicide? Wouldn’t be cutting yourself off from the inherent love, abundance and will of God be a form of suicide? You may not be dead, but you’re definitely not living. You’re the living dead. I now understand our society’s obsession with zombies and vampires. I love though how the two living attributes these living dead still hold onto is hunger and horniness. Sex and food. The need to penetrate or be penetrated. Life force.

Sex and drugs and rock & roll…..followed by munchies and sleep. Do zombies sleep?

Please do not think I am being callous by using words like vibration and dimension. Anyone familiar with metaphysics, prayer, meditation, spirituality and the like will know that these words are rooted in divinity. When we are in a state of happiness, love & passion, our vibrations rises. When we are ALIVE, our vibration rises and we are also able to peak into other dimensions, other realms at that same and/or similar vibratory rate. However the opposite is true as well. The lower we let our vibration get, the less ALIVE we feel we are and we get peaks into other dimensions, other realms that match that lower vibratory state.

I have spent years struggling with self sabotage because I was afraid to LIVE my Life the way I felt called. I spent years afraid of my own light, depending on alcohol for liquid courage only to end up making a complete full out of myself. I spent years apologizing for things that were not my fault, things that were my fault and things that would eventually become my fault. I became my own worst enemy and after a while, my apologies sounded like a broken record. Some of you that may be reading have heard this record first hand. Countless nights I would cry to God asking what I am supposed to do. I already knew what I wanted to do. It was just a matter of actually doing it. I felt as if my prayers were not being heard, let alone answered. And I was so conflicted as to why I would fight to the death for someone else, but not even raise a fist to defend myself?

God is not a sadist. Our Life is not something that happens to us. I would not have these passions and interests if I wasn’t supposed to do something with them. None of us would. And I realized that all of those nights I couldn’t sleep, tossing & turning was for a reason. It was me clearing out the clutter in my mind so that I would actually get to a vibrational state to be able to hear & feel Spirits response to my prayers.

What keeps you up at night? What prayers do you have that you feel have gone unheard? What material substance or vice do you depend on to have a spiritual experience?-or just to get through the day?

I was 10 years old when my brother, Danny, committed suicide. Many of us have lost family,friends and acquaintances to their own hand. Disparateness, depression, drugs, etc.. If I am to be honest, the same fate has crossed my own mind in years past. BUT- But- I knew on some level that I was NOT alone and even if no one seemed to understand what I was going through, I knew on some level that GOD DID. God spoke to me through music. Songs like FOLLOW by Richie Havens and FADE TO BLACK by Metallica, The Smiths and Sarah Mclachlan, Jim Croce- they saved me. There are many more, but those are the ones that stick with me always. And the songs that I still revisit when I need some soul coaching that only my kind of rock & roll can do- ya know what I mean! I love to sing. Belting it out seems to cleanse me in a way that only Me and God speak. I am sure you have your own language with God. What is it? Guitar? Art? Cooking? Storytelling? ???????

I didn’t know my brother that well. He taught me how to blow bubbles with my bubble-gum and he liked Slayer and Guns & Roses. He used to to tell me that if any boy ever broke my heart then he would kick their ass. It didn’t mean much to me at the time, I was only 7,8,9,10 during that time. I didn’t have much interest in boys yet. But now as a mother and I see my own son with our niece, Beverly, and she has become a daughter to me and a sister to Kevin- Maybe it meant something to Danny to have a little sister. Me. My eyes are filling with tears as I finish this entry. I wonder what his dreams were. I wonder if anyone even ever asked him. I wonder if me even asking is helping him get out of “limbo” and bringing him HOME. If we are all connected, then so is he. So is everyone. Maybe all we need is an honest friendly thought, a prayer of some sort to help bring all of us out of whatever type of “limbo” we find ourselves.

OK. Everyone repeat after me: I want to LIVE. I deserve to LIVE. I allow myself to LIVE. I will not let fear hold me back from LIVING. The world is a better place because I AM in it. My talents, dreams and desires exist for a reason. They are my offerings to the world as I leave my own imprint and inspire others to do the same. I am grateful for every day. For it allows me the free will to decide if I will take the moment at hand and either celebrate or forgive. I choose to be the ME I WAS BORN TO BE. And so it is. Amen.