spiritual awakening

Rainbow in the Rough: A Lesson in Tough Love

It is my personal belief that we incarnate into situations and themes that are geared to introduce us to the parts of ourselves that do not yet know & trust God. Life does not happen to us.  Life happens because of us. Action combined with Divine intuition has the power to create anything.

When I was a little girl I felt very “in tune” with this Divine intuition.  Many children do. However this intuitive connection often goes un-nurtured.  As mine did.  Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me.  But with most parents, they were too busy with work, my siblings and the day to day hustle and bustle of life.

I have always been fascinated with the mystical world of energy and metaphysics because I was starving for explanations for the feelings I had as a child and the colorful displays that would dance before my eyes that no one else seemed to be aware of.  I felt alone. But when these colors, these sparkles of energy would visit me, I felt safe.  I felt love. Fascinating conversations I would have with my “self” and before I knew it, my “self” was talking back to me.  I would later come to realize that these colors, these sparkles were my angels, my guides and they were keeping me “in-tune” with my higher self, with God.  By the time I reached my pre-teens these brilliant displays of Divine Light gradually stopped. OR I just quit listening.  I was so turned off by organized religion and I had no other spiritual avenue to explore for answers to what I was experiencing.  Science provided logical explanations and so I began to dismiss the whole thing claiming that it was just tricks of the eye.  I felt alone and misunderstood.  My mainly I felt tricked by God.

Depression and teenage angst soon got the best of me. Trying to reconnect with what I felt as a child, I turned to drugs.  My grades plummeted and it’s a wonder I even graduated high school. But I didn’t care. Well really I did. But you know how our defense mechanisms can fool us.  Especially in our wonder years.  I felt that what I was learning on my “trips” was teaching me so much more that what I could ever learn in school.  A large part of me respected LSD because it seemed to be providing me with validation to what  I was already seeing and knew to be true while simultaneously giving me the confidence to explore this otherworldly state and not give a shit what anyone else thought of me.

This otherworldly state felt more like home to me than regular waking life. That is until a very close friend pointed out to me that one of my greatest talents was my ability to be a good friend and that the one person I was not being a good friend to was myself.  I was looking for a spiritual  connection with material substances.  I wasn’t craving the high that comes from drugs.  I was craving the high that comes from Self Love and Acceptance. I was craving the love of God.

My new book, The Living Rainbow, began as a short story I wrote for my son.  He reminds me of myself as a child.  He is extremely sensitive, empathetic, and has the ability to see energy, colors.  He automatically referred to these colors as the angels.  It was always my intention to raise him with the understanding of metaphysics but when he actually used the word angel, there was a visceral response within my body. I have come to recognize such responses as Spirit’s way of saying “Listen Up. This is important”!

My son goes to a private Christian school.  I don’t always agree with the doctrine but I do love the fact that they incorporate God into everything.  One day he was very upset when he got home from school.  He resisted telling me why at first.  Later on that evening he said “Mommy. They told me that I am not allowed to love anyone or anything more than God. But I love you and daddy.”  Tears rolled down his little 5 year old cheeks.  I hugged him and said “Sweetie. God lives in our hearts. Everyones heart. Not just some people, but Everyone. And if God lives within our  hearts, then guess what?  The more you are loving them, the more you are loving God. So you just go ahead and love anyone and anything as much as you want.”  This gave him so much comfort and relief.

What the fuck! 

As a bodyworker, I am very familiar with how our body energetically & vibrationally holds onto every experience we have; conscious and subconscious.  You can imagine the negative energetic response that would occur within our physical body if we experience the un-allowance of letting our love flow freely to the people and things that we most deeply want to share it with.  Sadly in many instances the main person we hold back from freely loving is ourself:  The I AM.  God is within us. God is us!  God is not separate from us. God is not some cosmic peeping tom that wants to be worshipped.

Again. What the fuck!

I know that the teenage years are filled with exploration and experimentation. But I definitely do not want my child to “experiment” the way I did. I  mean- I’m lucky to be alive!  But I want him to find himself in whatever pathway he chooses.  But maybe we don’t have to “find” ourselves if we never “lose” ourselves.   So I wrote this book.  I wanted to provide parents with a tool to help empower their kids and themselves with the survival skill of Divine Self Love.   I thought it would be great to write a book about our chakras, our emotional centers, and begin to introduce these metaphysical concepts while he was still so young.

I actually never intended for The Living Rainbow to rhyme.  But Spirit did.  The fact that it does rhyme is Divine confirmation that I was never alone during those bewildering teenage years. I was never alone even when I was hating God. You see, God has always been there; within me. Never judging, always loving.   When I was fifteen, I wrote a poem for my English class.  I admit the poem was pretty out there, but I was proud of it.  I even volunteered to read it aloud.  My teacher laughed at me and said that it sounded like I had been to one too many Grateful Dead shows. I was humiliated and I never wrote poetry again. That is until now.

There is a Divine Unity among all walks of Life. This book is how I have personally reconciled my own tug of war of loving who I AM and shining my light in the way I feel called.  Science brought me back to God.  Buddha taught me how to love and accept Jesus. There is no wrong way to experience the love of God.

God’s love is the living water and our chakra system is our living rainbow; How our Light shines through the Water is a reflection on how much we love who we are.

Everything that I have ever experienced in Life has brought me to and will continue to bring me to  what I AM “now”.  Living in the moment is challenging. However when I AM able to be in the “now” magic happens!  Every instant is divinely ordained and working out for  our greatest good.  The challenge is recognizing the lessons for the Love that they really are.  Our seeming disappointments are actually blessing in disguise.

I now know that God did not trick me.  God just happens to know what a stubborn ass  I AM and that this wild journey of self discovery would lead me back to His loving Grace, to my authentic self. It’s a practice and I am always learning. But now I know more of who I AM and to know thyself is to know God.

Although The Living Rainbow is geared towards children, adults love it too.  If we can teach our kids how to stay in-tune and listen to their heart, follow intuition and pay attention how how they are feeling, I believe we can change the face of medicine as we know it.

I am excited to announce The Living Rainbow was featured at the Hay House I Can Do It Conference in Baltimore last June!

What a long, strange trip it’s been!

And so it is.

If you are interested in purchasing The Living Rainbow, you can buy it at

A Course In Miracles, chakra, mind, body, spirit, spiritual awakening, suicide

suicidal tendencies

In all of the years that I have been on this path, (pretty much my entire life, although people who knew me in high school may disagree!) -the one question that has always tormented me was- “what happens when you commit suicide? Where do you go?”

I’ve always felt very secure in my faith in the afterlife. But for some reason, there seemed to be some gray area when it came to suicide. I have never believed in hell so that was not the issue. I did however worry about this place called “limbo” or “the left door”. I once watched this independent movie, “Wristcutters”, a dark comedy about people that commit suicide and spend the rest of their “days” so to speak doing exactly what they were doing when they decided to commit suicide to begin with. It’s more uplifting than that, a love story, but I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. But- this movie reminded me of something I was told a long time ago- and that was- people that commit suicide spend the rest of their life in a place called limbo- meaning that they spend their time(which felt like an eternity) reliving whatever experiences that made them want to take their own life until the actual time comes(in the living world) that they would have ordinarily died if they hadn’t forsaken their life contract. But if time doesn’t exist, then that’s all bullshit. Right?

I now realize that my teachers in their infinite wisdom were also tormented by this question. If you look at Life as a sequence of sacred contracts and if you break that contract, is there a punishment?- or is breaking that contract part of the contract? And if breaking your Life’s contract is suicide, what is the difference in actually dying and just not living. Does suicide have to mean leaving this dimension? And if the dividing factor between dimensions is merely a difference in vibratory measurement, wouldn’t purposely (consciously or subconsciously) lowering your vibration be a form of suicide?

Why does one have to be dead to say that they have committed suicide? Wouldn’t living a life frozen and riddled by fear be a form of suicide? Wouldn’t be cutting yourself off from the inherent love, abundance and will of God be a form of suicide? You may not be dead, but you’re definitely not living. You’re the living dead. I now understand our society’s obsession with zombies and vampires. I love though how the two living attributes these living dead still hold onto is hunger and horniness. Sex and food. The need to penetrate or be penetrated. Life force.

Sex and drugs and rock & roll…..followed by munchies and sleep. Do zombies sleep?

Please do not think I am being callous by using words like vibration and dimension. Anyone familiar with metaphysics, prayer, meditation, spirituality and the like will know that these words are rooted in divinity. When we are in a state of happiness, love & passion, our vibrations rises. When we are ALIVE, our vibration rises and we are also able to peak into other dimensions, other realms at that same and/or similar vibratory rate. However the opposite is true as well. The lower we let our vibration get, the less ALIVE we feel we are and we get peaks into other dimensions, other realms that match that lower vibratory state.

I have spent years struggling with self sabotage because I was afraid to LIVE my Life the way I felt called. I spent years afraid of my own light, depending on alcohol for liquid courage only to end up making a complete full out of myself. I spent years apologizing for things that were not my fault, things that were my fault and things that would eventually become my fault. I became my own worst enemy and after a while, my apologies sounded like a broken record. Some of you that may be reading have heard this record first hand. Countless nights I would cry to God asking what I am supposed to do. I already knew what I wanted to do. It was just a matter of actually doing it. I felt as if my prayers were not being heard, let alone answered. And I was so conflicted as to why I would fight to the death for someone else, but not even raise a fist to defend myself?

God is not a sadist. Our Life is not something that happens to us. I would not have these passions and interests if I wasn’t supposed to do something with them. None of us would. And I realized that all of those nights I couldn’t sleep, tossing & turning was for a reason. It was me clearing out the clutter in my mind so that I would actually get to a vibrational state to be able to hear & feel Spirits response to my prayers.

What keeps you up at night? What prayers do you have that you feel have gone unheard? What material substance or vice do you depend on to have a spiritual experience?-or just to get through the day?

I was 10 years old when my brother, Danny, committed suicide. Many of us have lost family,friends and acquaintances to their own hand. Disparateness, depression, drugs, etc.. If I am to be honest, the same fate has crossed my own mind in years past. BUT- But- I knew on some level that I was NOT alone and even if no one seemed to understand what I was going through, I knew on some level that GOD DID. God spoke to me through music. Songs like FOLLOW by Richie Havens and FADE TO BLACK by Metallica, The Smiths and Sarah Mclachlan, Jim Croce- they saved me. There are many more, but those are the ones that stick with me always. And the songs that I still revisit when I need some soul coaching that only my kind of rock & roll can do- ya know what I mean! I love to sing. Belting it out seems to cleanse me in a way that only Me and God speak. I am sure you have your own language with God. What is it? Guitar? Art? Cooking? Storytelling? ???????

I didn’t know my brother that well. He taught me how to blow bubbles with my bubble-gum and he liked Slayer and Guns & Roses. He used to to tell me that if any boy ever broke my heart then he would kick their ass. It didn’t mean much to me at the time, I was only 7,8,9,10 during that time. I didn’t have much interest in boys yet. But now as a mother and I see my own son with our niece, Beverly, and she has become a daughter to me and a sister to Kevin- Maybe it meant something to Danny to have a little sister. Me. My eyes are filling with tears as I finish this entry. I wonder what his dreams were. I wonder if anyone even ever asked him. I wonder if me even asking is helping him get out of “limbo” and bringing him HOME. If we are all connected, then so is he. So is everyone. Maybe all we need is an honest friendly thought, a prayer of some sort to help bring all of us out of whatever type of “limbo” we find ourselves.

OK. Everyone repeat after me: I want to LIVE. I deserve to LIVE. I allow myself to LIVE. I will not let fear hold me back from LIVING. The world is a better place because I AM in it. My talents, dreams and desires exist for a reason. They are my offerings to the world as I leave my own imprint and inspire others to do the same. I am grateful for every day. For it allows me the free will to decide if I will take the moment at hand and either celebrate or forgive. I choose to be the ME I WAS BORN TO BE. And so it is. Amen.

A Course In Miracles, body, chakra, mind, spirit, spiritual awakening

Well I just received some great news. My book, The Living Rainbow, will be out in 12 days!! It’s a children’s book about our chakra system and our eternal connection with God. It unites eastern and western philosophies and reinforces the importance of looking at Life with the innocence of a child. 

There is a psychology that goes along with our chakras that isn’t mentioned in the mainstream “spa” world. And I absolutely hate the term, New Age.( I know I shouldn’t say hate. I dislike with great intensity!) People with money, curiosity and good intentions think that it’s super cool to go get a massage and have your chakras opened and/or balanced. What the client/patient and many practitioners do not know (mainly because they have never been taught) is that if you go around opening chakras of people who don’t know thyself or have reached a healthy understanding of their own, personal life’s experiences, you could be opening Pandora’s Box. Each chakra vibrationally corresponds with major life themes that are inherent in ALL of us no matter where we come from. These life themes mold us into who we are, or at least who we think we are. Opening energetic vortices is only going to enhance what is already there. Good becomes great, bad becomes worse, and indifferent becomes numb.  I will go into this subject in more detail at a later date. I teach an 8 hour workshop on this very topic. Our emotions, our feelings are our divine barometer and allow us to recognize how far or close we are to feeling love, inspiration.  Most of us bury our feelings and unknowingly struggle with pure honesty within ourselves.  Myself included.  But that’s why we are, right? To learn? What keeps from embracing this honesty? Fear. For any ACIM students who may be reading, this is a huge question of mine that has kept me up many a night- “If ACIM teaches that there is no energy and that energy is only part of this illusion, just like everything else, then why do I feel so connected to it and how do I justify creating a career around it with my writing, massage, bodywork, chakra workshops, reiki and all other healing modalities like the Reconnection?” I have spent the last 9 years praying on this question, although my wording has changed a bit. Eighteen days ago I received my answer. Spirit informed me that energy is the friction caused by material vibration, whether it be molecular, atomic or subatomic or quantum. In order to create a vibration, there must be space. That space in between is where the stillness lies. Be still and know that I AM GOD.- psalm 46-10. ACIM teaches that the HOLY SPIRIT is the part of the mind that lies between the ego and the SOUL, mediating between them ALWAYS in favor of the Soul. So, if I want to be so hung up on vibration and energy, look at it this way- matter, ego, our physical body is of lower vibration and our higher self, our spirit self is of higher vibrations. As we ascend, continuously raising in vibration we will reach a point where there is no more friction, no more material. Only God. Never changing. The alpha and the omega. Where the end is the beginning and the beginning is the end. ONENESS. As satisfying as an answer as that was, my brain continued…and then Spirit spoke again- But in order to recognize this ascension, there is a reconciliation that simultaneously occurs between ego mind and spirit MIND. ANd that reconciliation is basically the ego’s attempt and ability to let go of the theories of time and space as we know it, as ego knows it. Although this is gradually making more and more sense to me, as I learn and reconcile and release the blockages of my ego mind, I am simultaneously being comforted by the invisible hands of divinity for all of the years of depression I initially felt when I started off on this course. My ego’s futile attempt to hold me in this material bondage. Fear is what fuels ego. SO the only questions that remain are “What am I afraid?” Again I heard the benevolent whisper of the Holy Spirit- “Don’t ask that question if you don’t have the guts to learn the answer.”


I don’t know why people claim their prayers are not answered. They are ALWAYS answered. But being given the answer isn’t going to have as lasting effect than when you actually have to learn the answer. I read somewhere once, “How dare we be so arrogant to think that WE know better than God!” We all are home, it’s just our recognition of “being home” is what differs.

excerpt from The Living Rainbow – “Each one of us is different. We should respect each person’s path. All lakes and rivers lead to the ocean, so no judgement should we pass. Namaste is a sanskrit word, which might sound different & fun.  It means there is a Light in you and a Light in me and together we are one.”